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Some thoughts on Santa

Is Santa Claus a Woman?..

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Heather's Updates

Hello and welcome to my updates page. This page will be updated as often as I have time. Ideally, that will be daily. But that remains to be seen! This page will be filled with all the little day to day stuff that is so fascinating. Mainly updates about me. my roommate Katie, my bear CIM or my cat Robert the Bruce. If anyone has any suggestions for this page let me know. I will be happy to consider anything that I think you might want to now about. Don't be shy, but as always, I ask that you be polite.

Update December 4, 1998

Hello, and welcome to this new update. So far the rib thing is turning out to be a major pain in the chest. When I laugh or sneeze or anything, it hurts. Granted, the pain is a lot less than it was, but pain is pain. I wont be back to dancing until the middle of January. I am going to miss that income. The job at the real estate office will tide me over, but my brothers are going to have to take up a bit more for Mum. No big deal. Anyway, all is well here at home. The leaves continue to fall. And the weather is lovely. I cant imagine what it is doing beck in Scotland now. Must be a foot of snow and damp cold too. In the 70's here with bright blue skies. Lovely.

Cracked Rib Report!

Well, the rib report is good again. I think that the tissue is healing pretty good. I dont have anywhere near the pain or discomfort that I did even two days ago. I am on the mend. Lucky me. I am back to almost full mobility. Although I dont plan to pole dance for a while! And this is a great excuse not to rake the leaves! I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday on Thursday. I know that now the shopping season begins. Be safe and have fun. I shall write more when I get a chance.

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